Clarity

You know those rare parenting moments of clarity, when everything suddenly comes into sharp focus and you look into your child's eyes and see something that you had missed before?  Admittedly, those moments don't come nearly as often as they should. 

I have been quite open here on this (nearly defunct) blog about how difficult it has been for me to parent Renie.  I love her to pieces and admire all the things about her that make her difficult to parent: Her courage, her determination, her fierce independence and refusal to be intimidated by anyone or anything.  She is a goofball and a ham, but stubborn and a bit prideful.

I have been praying, of late, for guidance in my parenting.  Not that this prayer is anything new, but I think I had recently upped the urgency of my pleas for assistance.  I wasn't thinking of Renie in particular as I prayed, just for help in my calling as a mother. 

Tonight as I played around on the computer, yelling at the girls to quiet down and go to sleep, Renie came out of the bedroom to lodge a complaint about something one of the other girls had done to her.  For some reason, (answer to prayer), in that moment, I looked at her and looked so completely through to her sweet little spirit that I was overcome with consuming love for her.  I asked her to come sit with me for a minute and she climbed into my lap and let me pull her close.  In that quiet, tender moment with her, she immediately confided in me that her classmates had been calling her names and picking on her at school.  As her tears flowed down her cheeks and splashed onto my arm, my little girl suddenly came sharply into focus before me.  Refer back to the second paragraph of this post, and you may begin to understand why this was such a tender moment for me.  She is my tough girl, sandwiched between the two boys in the family, and she does not like to show a weak or vulnerable side.  In those few minutes, I realized that I have come to treat her as if she does not have that vulnerable side and that is infinitely unfair.   I have felt that at times myself; like people expect me to be the strong one and work through things on my own, or even that things don't bother me or hurt me like they do other people.  And I have felt that it was unfair, that I wanted to be the one to cry on someone else's shoulder for a change.  But at the same time, I didn't feel comfortable exposing that vulnerability to anyone and so I just continued on in the same way.  I don't want her to feel that, in her 7 year old version of it.  Not with me.  Not with her mother. 

I am grateful Heavenly Father knows me, knows my children, and knows what we need.  I am grateful He hears and answers the pleas of an imperfect mother.  I am grateful that I was given a glimpse of my child through His eyes.  And mostly, I am grateful I have been given the opportunity to be her mother, that I have been entrusted with such an amazing, sweet spirit. 

I know this clarity will begin to fuzz and blur with time, which is why I am recording it here.  I know that coming back to read this again will help to refocus when I need it, and help me to be the mother she deserves to have.

Moments...

Parenting is sprinkled with moments. Moments when you want to tear your hair out, moments when you want to lock all your children in their rooms, and moments when you just want to run away. *BUT* it is also filled with moments of unfathomable love, moments of pure joy, moments when you just can't kiss your babies enough, moments when your heart is bursting with pride, and moments like this when you feel complete and utter contentment. I had been reading to the three youngest kids and I had to get up to answer the phone or something. When I came back in, Devon and Renie were taking turns reading aloud to Jesse and each other. They were happy and not fighting, thoroughly engrossed in the book. Definitely a sweet moment.

Some Thoughts Upon Turning 35...

Time is flying. Not just the days or weeks. Or months. But the years, my friends. A little over a week ago I turned 35. I was not looking forward to this milestone. I'm not really sure what it is. I guess I'm now on the slide to 40. This wasn't settling well. To make matters worse, I had been gaining weight at an alarming rate and feeling very tired. I thought it was amazing that I would start falling apart right as my 35th birthday approached. As it turns out, a little bloodwork revealed that my existing hypothyroid disease was rearing its ugly head and I was in need of a medication adjustment. To top it all off, I'm a bit anemic. Though not ideal, I was happy to know that there was a reason for my symptoms other than middle age. So I'm taking an iron supplement and my synthroid dose has been bumped up.

And my birthday was fun. The friday before, my cousin Karen took all five kids for the night. She had been planning on taking the older three for a sleepover, then ended up with the other two at the last minute. I was so happy to be kid-free after a long week with extra kids. Lincoln showed up from work early to take me out to dinner. He had made arrangements for a baby-sitter who was no longer needed, but the gesture of getting the sitter did not go unnoticed. We went to Madison and did some shopping, then had 7:00 reservations at Quivey's Grove. I wish I had brought my camera. The restaurant is an old stone house surrounded by lovely lawns and flower gardens. The menu is traditional early american fare. We were seated at a tiny table by a little window upstairs. Very cozy.

Over dinner, Lincoln presented me with a bank account that he had deposited a chunk of money into as the start of our Greece fund.

After a delicious dinner, we made our way to the movie theater to catch a flick. It was nice to be able to spend as much time as we wanted doing whatever we wanted without worrying about the tab we were running up with the sitter.

Saturday morning we slept in, then went out to breakfast here in town. We checked out a few garage sales, then we went home and watched a movie right in the middle of the day. We are crazy, I tell ya.

Karen kept the kids at her house all day. We met up with Karen and Jamie at 3:00 to drive to Madison for the Priesthood and adult sessions of stake conference. Karen and I shopped while the men went to their meeting, then we all went to dinner before the adult session.

On Monday, my actual birthday, I felt really good. I felt full of joy, contentment, and gratitude. It really hit me that 35 isn't any different from any other birthday. Every year we get a little older. It's what happens. I am so blessed at 35 to have a good and loving husband, not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but FIVE beautiful healthy children. My husband has a job- a GOOD one that he likes, we have a beautiful home to live in, and plenty of food to eat. We live in a beautiful place surrounded by fantastic people and great friends. That's a good place to be at 35. Instead of feeling like I was headed downhill, I thought about the now. I couldn't ask for more at this stage in my life. And instead of looking inward at my aging self, I began to think more in terms of what the next decade holds for my children, what my reponsibility is to them. In ten years, two of my children will be graduated, the other three all teenagers. 10 years is not much time to ensure their development into good, kind, reponsible adults.

So, bottom line, I'm 35. Big deal. I'm all grown up. I have experience and wisdom on my side. I know why I'm here and where I want to go. I know my Savior and i know from where my blessings flow. And I am happy.




(I should mention that Lincoln cooked my requested birthday dinner- ham steaks, mashed potatoes, home-canned green beans- and made me an eclair cake. We took our first bike ride as a family which I enjoyed immensely, and I got some cool gifts.)