Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Paranoia...

So I've been off the blood thinners for a few weeks now (anyone not up to speed with my health, and why would you be, really?) should know that in March of 2007 I developed DVT, or a blood clot in the deep vein of my leg) and I must confess that I'm a bit panicky about it. In fact, I feel a bit like Sue. I find myself in bed at night and if I feel any pain at all in the general area of the clot I get all worked up. I think, I need to ask my husband for a Priesthood blessing in the morning. Then I think, Wait! Was that a prompting? Do I need to ask him for one RIGHT NOW? Can it wait until a more convenient time or is the Spirit telling me that if I don't I'll be dead by morning?! I think I'm short of breath, I'm SURE I'm short of breath. That's it, it's in my lung! Breathe slowly, deep breaths. I'm not short of breath, right? There's no way I can wake Lincoln up and ask for a blessing right now. He'd be so irritated NO ONE would get any spiritual direction. But isn't inconveniencing my husband better than being dead!? OK, OK I'm just working myself up for nothing. It can wait. But I'll say an extra prayer that I don't die before morning. What would become of the kids? Would Lincoln move back near our families so they could help out? They would miss me so much. Jesse and Renie and Devon wouldn't even really remember me eventually. Kennedy and Julia would even struggle to remember specifics. Would they remember good things? Have I been a good enough mother? Or would they remember a hag? I need to be nicer. If I was nicer maybe I would have the Spirit with me in more abundance and I could be sure whether I am needing a blessing right now or if it can wait.

And begin cycle again.

But I think I'm progressing. I've discovered that when I've exercised, especially lots of running/stairs/squats that area gets over taxed and then hurts, not from the clot changing, but from the strain on the veins in the legs. It gets very heavy when I exercise too, the increased blood to the area and restricted circulation are not a pleasant combo. So I think I'm understanding the pain more, but I think it will take me a long time to get over fearing that the clot will block the area too much causing another clot to form which will just happily sail its way to my lung. But I also feel silly complaining about, like people are thinking I need to get over it and quit using it as an excuse in my exercise class. Like, if you're out of shape just admit it and quit belly-aching about your "clot" wink wink. I mean wasn't that like 2 years ago? 20 months actually. But since I don't have to see your face as you read this I'll just say It's hard to exercise. It really truly is. Hard and frustrating because when I'm not pushing it, the leg is fine. But once that blood is pumping, it feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. My doctor told me that even before you start exercising the brain, knowing you plan on exercising later in the day, tells your heart to pump some extra blood down to those legs cause they're going to need it. And so it will begin first thing in the morning on exercise days. So there you go. More info then you wanted, I know.

And one last thing- Am I the only one who is reluctant to ask my husband for a blessing? Or do you call upon your husband freely?

3 comments:

PackMen and Me said...

You'd better not die on me! Use that excuse for exercising for sure!!! I am sorry, I had no idea it was painful! You are for sure my hero!
Love the pic of you & linc, and I am glad you are still lovers!!:) Elder Nugent is coming over in a minute, haven't seen him since Glenridge 2007...fun!
Love ya!!!

Virginia Burnett said...

And here I was thinking you were all calm and collected and didn't worry in the middle of the night the same way that I do! :) I can completely relate to that whole morbid imagination/anxiety cycle. Just keep exercising - I'm so proud of how dedicated you are about that! You'll be fine and you will know with a certainty if there is something that needs attention.

In answer to the question about asking for a blessing - yes, I will wake Bry up at any hour of the night if I'm really in a bad spiral. I know that he much prefers to spend 15 minutes helping me calm down and get back to sleep than deal with the fallout of an insomnia cycle, which in my case can get pretty ugly and downright debilitating. He can usually get back to sleep pretty quickly and sleeps better than if I were tossing and turning all night.

One thing I've learned in my years as a certifiable anxiety disorder case is that the Spirit speaks peace. The other side likes to see me suffer the effects of my anxiety and will feed terrifying thoughts into my head all night long but the Spirit always gives clear and comforting instruction and understanding.

Sweet dreams!

Jenn-Lee said...

What great advice. Molly, I didn't know the clot still gave you problems. I am sorry you deal with that. You are awesome to keep on exsercising even if it is bothersome. I agree with the advice above on the blessings,..I will ask if I feel I need one. I don't ask as often as I should probably but My husband would rather sleep knowing I am ok and not tossing all night so if it is needed I just ask. If he is tired or cranky at first he is the same as Lincoln. Fine after a few minutes of coherency.
Love you! Take care!! ..
ps. the cycle you described was right on. Totally a cycle many of us moms have when dealing with a health issue we are not sure about. But every time I get a blessing usually it always says I'll be better, or listen to the doctors advice or go exsercise. So its always better to just ask for one so you can feel peace.