Saturday, September 27, 2008

What a Week...

This week has seriously taken it out of me. My monthly visitor is to blame, I'm sure,but knowing that really doesn't help. That knowledge alone does not render me able to face the world without offense. I have felt that frustrating pull of my hormones spiraling me toward a meltdown despite my best efforts to hold it together. I can't say for sure that my children were more disobedient or messier than usual this week. I'm pretty sure my husband was not deliberately trying to make me feel bad. I don't think I looked any fatter or uglier to the people around me. In hindsight I'm pretty sure my brain was still functioning and although it certainly felt that way, I don't think I truly failed at everything I attempted. By the time I got the call this morning, while Lincoln was gone fishing, that Dad was in the ICU, I was on the verge of losing it. Then my children proceeded to be disobedient and contradictory until Lincoln's return a couple hours later. I was spent. I was teetering on the brink and my wonderful husband gave me the credit card and sent me out with a friend. Lincoln took over the duties of holding the household together while tending 6 kids (Kennedy had a friend over) and I got a day off. He kept the house tidy and mowed the grass and fed the children. I went to Madison and wandered around Hobby Lobby with Marilyn, my next door neighbor. My friendship with her is still pretty new, this is the first time we've done something like this together, and I'm pleased with our compatibility. She's a good person to shop with, she doesn't hover, doesn't rush, doesn't take too long. She's fun to talk to, despite my thoughts being in not so great places most of the day. She kept up the conversation and asked the right questions and offered the right kind of support. You know, the kind of support that you don't recognize as support at the time. It's just friendship. We ate lunch together and wandered around the mall and I felt my stress and emotional turmoil settling into a smaller, more manageable compartment in my brain. We were gone about five hours. I was home for only a couple hours before I walked to my friend Becci's house to watch the Relief Society Broadcast. Once again my husband took over feeding the kids, bathing them, putting them to bed so I could refill my spiritual and emotional tank. 'Cause seriously, I was running on fumes. I was grateful to hear words of encouragement from leaders of the church when I needed to hear them most. I was grateful to be reminded that we all feel inadequate but that we are of a divine nature. That women and the challenges we face are infinitely important. I was grateful to be surrounded by friends, women who love me, who know my struggles, who share my struggles. Women who want the same things as me- to be good mothers, to serve others, to keep the stinkin' bathroom clean. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of sisterhood. I could feel the palpable emotion of frustration and discouragement that each was feeling as President Uchtdorf talked of the subject. I had such a desire to look around me and say, "Why do we do this to ourselves? Can you feel it? We ALL feel the same way! Lets buoy each other up, take comfort in these words and love ourselves as God loves us!" Of course, I didn't need to say it, because as we listened we all knew it. We all filled our tanks. Some of us were going on fumes, some of us were still watching the needle at around a half tank, but we all needed a topping off. We ate ice cream together and went our ways, filled with good food, good words, the Spirit, and sisterhood. We went to our families better prepared to serve, to love, to nurture. I walked home in the warm breeze, stars overheard, autumn in the air. I breathed it in, breathed new life into my soul and promised myself and the Lord to be better. To smile more and nag less. To hug more and complain less. To treat my children like library books, recognizing that their Spirits are mine on loan, that they belong to our Creator and I have been entrusted with their safekeeping. To treat my husband with more compassion, like the treasure and blessing he is. Thank you, sweetie.

2 comments:

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

this is a great post Molly. Matt and I had a date and I recorded the broadcast, but now I'm excited to go back and see it. I'm glad you got a "day off" and you're feeling better.

Audrey said...

thanks for your post Molly. why do we do that to ourselves? i did like the positive point Uchdorf made about us being hard on ourselves.... our natures as women... that we also have a strong desire to please our Heavenly Father. (sorry sounded way better the way he said it, of course)